My Journey with San Pedro
“If you get the message, hang up the phone. For psychedelic drugs are simply instruments, like microscopes, telescopes, and telephones. The biologist does not sit with eye permanently glued to the microscope; he goes away and works on what he has seen.” – Alan Watts
Labels and the idea of "relapse" were destroying me.
The self-adhered label of being a sober alcoholic is one I have worn (and still wear) for over five years now. However, as a sober alcoholic, I fear not mentioning my beverage is non-alcoholic when I publicly share drinks on social media.
I worried others might assume I fell off the wagon.
The truth is I worry about judgment because I have judged myself harshly. For years after getting sober, I couldn't trust myself because of my mistakes, and while they are welcome as I move through my healing and spiritual journeys, the fear of irreparably messing up is still there.
But what is messing up, and who gets to decide? Who gets to tell me who I am?
The answer is that I do. And I determine my life.
I have embarked on a plant medicine journey in the last few months, with my most excellent teachers being Bufo Alvarius and Huachuma, "The Grandfather Wisdom" (San Pedro). On 5/7, I had my first experience with Huachuma.
The adventure was indescribable, and I am still breathing through the countless lessons and processing (slowly) each detail I remember. I experienced a Kundalini activation as I became the serpent, lying on the ground, vibrating and hissing loudly with this new energy.
My thoughts flowed forward and backward. Then, I forgot how to breathe. Fear filled my body. I judged myself and I began to see where I did this to others. I remembered who I was, but it took over 14 hours to come back into myself.
I am still coming back to myself.
Cracking my heart open was not as soft a process as many who've worked with San Pedro described, but I got what I needed in the exact way I needed it. Anxiety, fear, doubt, and worry are reminders to stay close to peace, boldness, trust, and fearlessness.
And while I continue on this Earth, I will honor the plant medicine that has allowed me to face myself and open those internal locked doors within me.
I am grateful.
I am love.
And I remember to breathe.
