It has been a long journey to get to where I am now. I talk about my sobriety and how it’s changed my life, but it resurrected me.

For as long as I can remember, I’d been trying to escape myself – to escape pains I couldn’t process at a young age. I didn’t have the tools, but when I found alcohol, it became my all. I found a means to disappear and would sliver out of my body at any sign of unsafety. I didn’t have the tools, so I drank. I drank for fun, over failed friendships, over getting heartbroken, or because it was Tuesday.

What became of me was a terrified girl who clutched to substances as if her life depended on it. On the contrary, my life depended on caring for myself, but that seemed like the most challenging thing to do. Why was changing so hard? And how would I start?

I remember sitting on my bedroom floor, feeling defeated. I couldn’t live like this anymore, but I felt so lost that I didn’t know where to begin. That was it, though. The breakdown, the emotional rock bottom, was my starting point. I finally shattered into pieces and allowed the healing to pour in.

Spirituality was forever part of my story, and there was always some form of shadow work done over the years. I was presented with the tools throughout my life, but I was unaware. Even as a child, leaving my body (a trauma response) turned into a skill I now use for lucid dreams.

I share this with you during my morning meditation down memory lane, looking through the windows of my childhood, visiting little Christina, hugging her, and telling her she’s loved and safe.

One of you needed this message.

I once felt so unsafe, unseen, unstable, fearful, and angry that I clung to everything outside of me. I am by no means “healed” or perfect, but I do have a particular set of skills that I picked up during the war I fought with myself. Through the shadows and the depths of my hell, I learned to be a warrior, and now I want to help you.

I see you, I am you, and I am here for you.